Sunday, August 5, 2012

Life is life.

***originally written on 07/22/12***

And that, was that...

As I sit here drinking my iced vanilla latte on this beautiful Sunday morning in New York, I reflect on the year I had, the things I did, the places I saw...and I am astounded. It is easy to take for granted the things life gives us, whether it be the smallest feat of finding a dollar on the ground, to the biggest, traveling the country performing the sickest show to ever hit a Broadway stage. This is something we all, including myself, struggle with often. It is hard to see your life as a beautiful one when so many obstacles present many voices urging you to think negatively, to not believe in your cause or your talent or your beauty. Each one of us has so much to offer to this world, and we must remember that, especially in times that are tough. I am not sure why this has been in my head lately...maybe it's because I am back to the life I live in NYC, unemployed and working my ass off to secure another job, another family, another adventure. It always seems that I am my most contemplative when I get off of a tour or done with a show. I remember this moment two years ago when I got to New York after a long two years on the road. It is a shock, especially this time because even though my life, the bubble I was in for six months, was vastly different than the life I live here in the city, when I walked into my building in Harlem for the first time since I left, it was exactly the same. My bed felt as squishy, my trinkets and knick-knacks were untouched, all the clothes I forced myself to part with were there hanging, waiting for me to wear them again. I spent my first day home looking, and touching, and remembering it all. I cleaned a lot, I sat a lot in silence, and I reflected on my world that I was thrown back into. And I mean thrown. The next morning I was up at nine printing my resume and jankily attaching it to my headshot and running to Telsey for my first audition back, and that was that. Shot out of a cannon with no time to remember that I just got back from a huge life changing experience. But there it was. Life continued and it got me thinking about all those times that I brushed over or thought were dumb or boring. My week was insane having four auditions and a ton of material to learn and work on, meetings, and hair appointments, catching up with friends and settling back into my life here.

I finally got a moment to decompress yesterday, staying in my apartment all day long. It was overwhelming everything that had happened in the week prior, being thrown back into reality, well, shoved is more like it. I woke up this morning extremely reflective. For moments, sad, happy, missing tour, missing the show, wondering about the future, wondering about the past. But all that truly matters is the now.

Touring with Idiot was honestly a beautiful wonderful experience that I will never forget and will always hold very dear to my heart. I gained so many great friends and learned so much about myself and the craziness that is life. It's kind of weird for me to think that I will never perform American Idiot again. When the Broadway show closed, I knew that I would be touring so it wasn't as final as it was this time. The last show in San Francisco was, honestly, too special for words which is why this blog post is less about the show and more about life. I will say though to all the unbelievably devoted beautiful fans that came out to our closing, thank you. It truly would not have been as special without you all there. We do the show not only for us, but for you all, and you make it so worth it. To see all of your shining faces living with us up there, watching each number for the last time, it was breathtaking. I'll never forget it and I thank you all for that. It makes me emotional just thinking about it. I feel like we did exactly what we set out to do on this tour. We spread Rage and Love across the country and took audiences in all different regions on the journey that is American Idiot and left them with stuff to contemplate and hopefully find a positive message in. Some people loved it, some hated it, but all were affected none the less. And it felt good to do that for people. This show will go down in history, and I am honored I have been a part of it for so long.

Each moment is one to cherish. Yes it is cliche, and people hear it all the time. It is preached and yelled and said to you a million times in your life, to live in the moment, to love each minute, to trust your path, and to never take anyone or anything for granted because you never know when your last minute will be. Well, it is true. And again you may be thinking, "yes I know, I get it blah blah blah". But just stop for a moment and truly think about that. Don't let it go in one ear and out the other, really think about it. Think about all the happiness you've had in your life, the friends you've met and loved, the jobs that made you want to get up in the morning, the lovers that were yours in that moment...yes there are plenty of friends that hurt you, jobs that sucked big time, and lovers that made you want to gouge their eyes out with a hot poker...but each one of those sucky moments makes you appreciate all those awesome one's even more. If you didn't have that "best friend" at the time stab you in the back, then you wouldn't appreciate your real sister best friend as much. If you didn't fall on your face in the middle of class and have everyone laugh at you, then you wouldn't appreciate as much finding that amazingly cute pair of higher-than-you-think-you-can-walk-in-hells and getting through the night not tripping once. If you botched an audition and left feeling like a dufus, then how would you fully appreciate nailing that high note and making the room smile? You wouldn't. Each moment that we hate is one to learn from, and grow from, no matter how bad it is. And it could be bad for a while, for years you could hate it all, have a string of bad luck, feel like you are stuck in the pits...but don't worry. If you can learn to live in each moment, and look at each situation for what it will pass. And it will get better. Because you want it to, and because you never give up. The moment you lose all hope, you will be stuck in it. And that will do you no help will it? Remember the things you have each day, not the things you don't have and aspire for the things you want with all your heart and all your might, because if you work hard enough, and strive to live a positive and motivated life no matter the obstacle, you will be happy, and life will give you exactly what you need. I am not saying it will be easy. Some days, it will be the hardest. There will always be a wallowing day as Lorelai Gilmore says. Cry all day, eat a million chocolate chip cookies, watch as many chick flicks as you can stream on netflix and hug your stuffed animal until you feel like if it were alive it would bite you for cutting off it's circulation. But the next day, wipe away the tears, take a deep breath and get moving with the good things you do have. Because in the end, even if you have nothing have you. And you will always be wonderful as long as you believe it. 

Anyway, that is my brain dump for the day...not even sure where it came from but take it for what it's worth. Thanks to you readers for reading my thoughts...they are sparse and sporadic, but will be more frequent now since I have nothing to do but sit in a Starbucks drinking sugary coffee drinks and contemplating life.




Cara said...

This is beautiful, and so, so true. That closing, as you said, was too much to process. Even now, I have trouble working through it. But I wouldn't trade MY time seeing Idiot (both on b-way and on the tour) for anything.
And living in the moment? Well, sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Thanks for giving me my reminder for the day.

Joanna said...

You are so eloquent and this was beautiful to read. Thank you so much for sharing, and best of luck to you wherever you go! You're an amazing person and you have so much talent and potential in you - I know you'll do amazing things. <3