Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A Loss For Words

It has been two weeks since our last and final performance of the 1st National Tour of Spring Awakening. I have not yet grasped the fact that this whole thing is over. It has been two years for me, and I cannot even express how incredible it has been.

Our last show in Orlando was one of the most mind-blowing experiences, and a show that I will NEVER forget. We were all huddled back stage hugging and kissing and prepping for our final show at about 5 minutes till curtain. I thought "Ok, I'm doing all right, I am not gonna cry yet". I took a deep breath, grabbed Justin's hand and got lead on stage for the last time by the usher. My heart was pounding and the feeling in my gut turned into complete excitement for what the next two and a half hours would bring. But then, little miss "No I am not gonna cry yet" Krystina burst in to tears when Justin and I got applause when we were being seated by the ushers. Applause. And not like a meekly few claps, but honest, heart-felt applause. I had never felt so appreciated or loved being a chair of rock that entire tour. Not to mention that on top of the applause, Krista, Chase, and Todd (original A.M. understudy) were sitting on stage across from me, Eva (original costumer) and Charity (assistant music director) and Kate and David (understudy Adult Man and Woman) were sitting across the aisle from me, and Tyler (usher from San Fran turned bff of the tour cast) and none other than my original SL boyfriend Perry Sherman were sitting right next to me. So you can imagine how I felt when we walked out on the stage for the last time to applause and all the people I love so dearly onstage with us. I felt like such a dork sitting in my chair before the show even started, blubbering like an idiot. So I finally pulled it together and took a big deep breath as the "May I have your attention please..." announcement came on. The rest of our cast walks on and we ERUPT in some seriously rock-concert-esque hysteria. Christy steps on the chair and the applause lasts for what felt like 10 minutes. And then the tears started streaming again. It makes me feel like the luckiest person alive to be performing a show with such incredibly devoted and loving fans. So as the show went on it was so much "that was the last time I'll see BoL", "that was the last time I'll sing Touch Me", "that was the last time we will do act one" etc. It was such an electrifying experience. All of us were performing as this single unit. With energy and passion that I have never felt before. With emotion, that although was full of tears and snot, was absolutely breath-taking. By the time Taylor's incredibly moving suicide and "Left Behind" hit, it was real. That was the last time I would EVER perform in what was my dream show, "Spring Awakening". It was almost like we were dropping the flowers for our journey in this show, and saying a peaceful, beautiful goodbye to it. Then came "Totally Fucked" and let me tell you, if you were in that audience, I cannot imagine how the "blah blahs" sounded. I was literally giving it so hard and putting all of that emotion and tears and weird feelings, and sadness for the end, and fear for the future and the unknown into those last moments of the song. My body literally did not allow me to produce more sound than I did, and I was literally screaming the blah blahs, as were so many of us. In my life, I will never forget the feeling and look and sound of those last phrases of "Totally Fucked". I actually am getting worked up reliving it right now haha. On the last "Totally Fucked!" I held on to that bar for dear life and just looked out onto the abyss of people yelling and shouting for what again felt like 10 minutes.
When it was over, I sat down and was literally shaking in my chair. So the rest of the show went on, and as the end came nearer, and the songs passed by, I just took a moment to look around at everyone on stage, all of the musicians, cast old and new, friends, family, the set, everything and just smiled. I felt this intense emotion of happiness fill my body during "Those You've Known" as Melchior said "I'll walk now with them, not gone, I'll never let them go, not gone..." Because it just kind of summed up my experience with this show and just reminded me that these people I met, and experiences I had will never leave me and will always be with me. I have never had closer friends or stronger relationships than I made on this tour. And despite that it was ending, this beautiful thing that we had, it will never really be over, because I will carry it with me forever. It has helped shaped the person I am today, and I will always remember it all. "Purple Summer" happened and although the tears were streaming, I just looked across the stage at my family on SR, and then my family on SL and then my family in the band and family DS and just had a moment of pure and utter thankfullness that this was my life. We turned and the lights dimmed for the last time as thunderous applause ensued and I broke down, but in the best way possible as strange as that sounds. My journey had ended, and as I took my last bow, I thought to myself how amazing it had all been. And how much I had learned and grown and seen and experienced. And as I have said before, and I will say again and again, thank you so much to all of you fans and guilty ones and supporters out there. You have made this journey like a dream and have made me feel like I can do anything with all of your support and love. You guys are truly the best most devoted fans ever, and I really won't ever forget it. So thank you :) And please keep checking back here on this blog and my twitter and facebook. I am not going anywhere, and I will let you all know the second I get good news on my next adventure!

To all of my cast and band mates, the crew, producers, fans, family, everyone: I love you all for making this part of my life so astounding. Goodbye Spring Awakening!!! It has been an honor.

krystina :)

ps: I apologize for typos, that was a big brain dump, and I really didn't feel like going back and correcting it all haha.